Ahem!

Woahhh.. *Looks around* Nice job, hunny!

Woahhh..

I'm using my second sister's computer.. The internet bills are not paid yet..

$$$, Ka-ching..

Technical Imperfection

there there.. new skin for us..

got a comment tag for u guys..

can doodle watever u want there so dont worry..

cos the tagboard is too big so decided to get rid of it..

too bad he haven got the chance to see it..

kinda plain but meaningful..

his internet will only be back next month..

sigh.. this blog is so dead..

this world is so distorted..

and we're all so imperfect..

grostequely unique and self indulged in consumerism..

where's the realization that what we have created

is destroying our very own self?

bored..

there's nth for me to write abt these days..
just that i've been terribly sick..
and he's been coming over to my place almost everyday to see me..
buy for me my favourite chicken wings from old chang kee..
so sweet of him..
yst was my skol's sports carnival or sports day.
played floorball.. so tiring..
got injured here and there but i must say we all played well..
even for simon who injured his collar bone a few days past but he still played for us..
the other girls who played very well too.. -to azrena and miao shan
at least we had fun..
i guess its not all abt winning..
when many of the other classes were so desperate to win until some of them injured us..
all in all the games ended and we almost got the class challenge trophy.. hahaha..
a huge disappointment cos we were so determined to win.. the guys mainly..
the junior class was much less interested thou..
we are the senior class.. and we practically played for all the games and the track events.
oh oh!! jolyn from kcp is in my junior class too!
a familiar face from the days when i used to study at mac.
but seldom talked to her thou.. dun have the time..


today me and my old good frens are supposed to meet up cos arjun is in town..
he's back from india..
but i haven received any news from them and i'm wondering if its still on..
yup.. so thats just abt it i guess..



and Mr shalih's internet connection is down.. so i guess this blog will be half dead soon..

The Poem

A healthy way of saying don't touch

So don't feel sad and go saying ouch

This is not a warning neither am i being so mean

But you have to lay off, you know exactly what i mean.

Hopes and dreams are not meant to be crushed

Something something ryhmes with crush

But she's mine forever can't you see

Look there're other fishes in the sea.

I might be wrong to suspect you of doing such things

So if i am then here's the sorry

Must say you're inspirational, the peoms and things

So if we're cool then don't worry.

watever..

she nags at me for talking to my cat.
she nags at me for not cooking when i'm at home.
she nags at me for everything.
but when i nag at her back.
for talking to the cat.
for not cooking and cleaning the hse when she's at home.
for screaming and shouting at everyone even when we're only less than 10m away.
she nags back at me.
in the end.
all i can do is to shut her out.
so noisy.
-she's my mother.

i lost my balance..
i lost my soul yesterday..
thoughts of guilt are tormenting me..
speaking to me.. arguing.. confusing me..
false hopes and dreams..
this world i've built for myself..
my abilities, my persona, my talents..
i've lost all believe in myself..
i have to rebuild again.
this time i'll be different again.
hopefully better..

i'm so stoned and dazed.
someone pls wake me up.

sigh...........

why is it that everytime i meet someone new, they always expect things from me?!

why is it that everytime a guy approach me, they always want to make me theirs?!

wat is it with me that makes some pp go jello all over??

wat did i do wrong???

why cant pp juz be my friends???

wat r the things that are happening ard me that i dunno abt??

why cant pp just ignore me? why do they have to stare???

i juz wanna lead a simple life...

but then again.. i'll be complaining my life is boring..

y cant we human beings ever be satisfied with anything??

wats wrong wid me?

this is not right khad..

u shldnt be doing this to him.

u love him.. and he loves you..

wat is wrong with you?

goodness...

wat is wrong wid me??

i cant help it..

i juz wanna do all this tings..

i dunno... i juz dunno...

sick.. juz feeling so sick..

sori kelvin for pang seh-ing u..
cant make it for the telematch..
feeling sick..
sori.............
hope u guys win..

This is where I'm going for training later tosay at 3.30pm..
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Chapter 1

It was already 7 minutes past midnight. The phone still has not ringed. Father was asleep in his comfy brown chair in the living room. So was the rest of the family. I was the only one who was awake. I kept thinking about when she will call me. Somehow or rather I knew she had fallen asleep by now. I sighed and walked towards my bedroom window. I wished things had turned out better for the both of us. While looking at the unlighted apartments on the opposite block, I thought about the things that had been happening lately. I just could not believe that he could have done such a thing, so disgusting, so despicable and so deceitful thing. I do not like it when people do those things because mother always tells me that people who do those things are stupid and I do not like stupid people. As much as I detest him, he is still my friend. We have been friends since kindergarten and we were in the same primary school as well. He stole my girlfriend. Not once but twice, but he broke up with her again so that was a good thing. I do not know why he keeps doing this. Then suddenly, I heard a ringing sound. I found out it was the phone ringing. Not wanting to wake the others up, I quickly ran to the phone. I answered it and I heard nothing. Father always tells me that if you answer a call and no one speaks on the other side, I should just put down the phone because it was a waste of time, but I really wanted to know who was the caller.

So I said, "Hello?"

Lennon and I did this.. We took turns writing each sentence.. It was first a funny game.. Turned out to be a good and creative one.. Good shit ain't it?

Good shit..

i love him..

he came over to my place juz now!!!!
sigh....... such a surprise.. and i juz woke up from my nap ah..
i've got nth to say...













i love you...................
and i still miss you a lot...
even thou i juz saw u.. hehe..
i love you...........

been thinking the whole day..

sigh... so i juz managed to scrape thru my chem test..
so wat.. i dun care anyway..
my mind has been busy the whole day..
been thinking abt wat happened last nite..
and i guess i've made up my mind..


yeah.. i've been petty..
taking him for granted and all..
feeling all selfish for myself and ignoring his feelings..
we made a few compromises..
but i guess i always overlook my mistakes..
and spot his instead..
i guess i was naggy..
scolding him for such a small matter..
but then again.. its not good to talk on msn.. easily misunderstood..
the cause of most of our quarrels..
sigh........................

guess i'll juz wait for him to cool down..
and i wont post on another blog..
i dun wan to let go of this relationship so easily..
juz cos of some small matter..


its been my fault.. and i'm sorry..
but then again.. he dint have to do that to me..
its was totally unnecessary..
i hate being ignored..
juz hate it..
sigh......... dere was so much i wanted to say...........
but i......... left them somewhere in my mind and i cannot find them anymore..
such a waste...sigh....



i love you baby..

i cant concentrate wid skol today...

i was just posting abt how much i want him..
den the next minute..
things just have to go wrong..

remorse..

tell me wat i did wrong to be treated like this..
ignored for the whole night..
no good night wishes..
shut off from the chatroom..
i dun wan to continue crying myself to slp everynight..
it's taking its toll on me..
i was so happy........................
until i misunderstood wat u said..
den i turned sour.. and scolded you..
den u juz have to leave me there like that..
i was so tired too..
but i waited for u to return home and tell me everything..
i was there. i listened..





maybe we've had enough of each other...
maybe we're taking each other for granted..
maybe we shld take a break from this..
no no.. maybe i shld..
i cant cry myself to slp anymore..
with the way we're treating each other..
maybe i had it all wrong...... all along...





maybe i shld start posting at my own blog from now on..
sigh......

wat a weird week..

i dun like this week..
i may sound peculiar but things have been all wrong these past few days..
if i'm still single i wld have loved all of this unwanted attention..
but at this moment in life.. i'm not interested at all..



early this week i made a new chinese fren..
and strangers flirting with me during an inter-college competition..
den a local young skater shop owner flirting with me also..
this juz doesnt seem to fit into my mind..
weird...

and today.. some desperate lunatic got my number from dunno where and msged me..
mind you he was extremely desperate.............
there were "PLEASE"s in his messages.. like begging me to get to know him..
like wtf?!
had enuf of all this shit..
and told him i'm attached and i'm not interested in leaving my bf for watever reasons..
well tt shut him off and he dint msg me anymore!!
warghahahahahahahaha.....
like wat an arsehole.. so desperate.. keep asking me wats my age..
shld have told him i'm 40 and have many grandchildren.. hahahaha..



sigh....... i wan all these to stop..
if i'm still single, i wld have layan all these nonsense..
but i'm not.. and all these tings are distracting..
and i dun want to lose my bf............
i'm not a flirt.. dun u other human beings get it?
i'm juz not interested...
but thanks for all the attention..

Pe-ngark!

I feel like picking up those forks and try to poke myself in the eyes..

Sigh.. I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.. I can't help seeing black all over after knowing that I'm lack of something.. I don't know.. Hmmm.. Empty..

Yellow Mellow Fellow..

This is where I'm going later today..
Posted by Hello

Just another project for a friend..
Posted by Hello

When To Use Them

There.. I did it.. Like old times.. After for a long while, there was no anger, no frustration and even irritation.. Well, adelah sikit-sikit irritation, I guess.. You see, I'm born to be like this.. Funny and jovial.. Or rather I'm born to do this.. Making people giggle and laugh is what I really like, no love to do.. Besides, it's healthy anyway.. So no more feeling refrained from using my gifts and curses and feeling cold and scared all at the same time.. So it's just a matter of when to use them.. How much is definitely out of the question.. But it was fun.. Seeing her killing her stomach and all.. Hehe.. Oh and thanks to her, my cat is feeling cheerful again.. Never seen him like this for a long time.. Thanks, baby..

Wham!

only you hunny...

made a new fren today..
an NS man.. previously from VJC..
goin to NUS soon.. doin LAW..
sounds like a ideal future husband..
financial stable in the future..
hahahaha..
accuse me of flirting.. go ahead..
i dint even intend to make anything happen..
lemme explain all of this yea..

was leaving house today..
goin to meet my darling bf..
it was raining pretty lightly and lazy me just refuse to bring an umbrella..
tot i'd share wid someone on the way or juz dash thru the rain..
was at the nearby shelter waiting for the traffic light to cross to the bus stop..
den this young chinese man offered to share his umbrella wid me..
so i agreed.. its juz an umbrella..
and i juz stood there silently waiting for the traffic light to turn green..
when it did turn green, we went into the rain and he started a conversation..
asked me where i was from, whether i lived nearby, where am i goin, bla bla..
so since he was so friendly to ask me.. i asked him back too..
where he's goin, where he's from.. bla bla bla..
den he asked me my name.. so i told him its khad.. i dun tink he even knows i'm malay..
then reached the next shelter so i thanked him and left..
i dint know he was behind me cos i was busy trying to evade all the passer-bys to get to the bus stop..
den when i was waiting at the bus stop, he came up to me and said hi again.. so i was pretty surprised and replied back la..
told me he was goin to town and asked wat bus i was taking..
coincidentally he's taking the same bus as me..
alrite.. the bus came and in the bus we chatted some more..
found out he's a VJC student, serving his army now, goin to NUS LAW soon..
he play sports like baseball and softball.. he clubs and bla bla bla..
told him i'm in cjc second yr.. he was pretty surprised..
told me i looked younger.. like secondary skol kid..
i was shocked.. first time anyone told me that..
thanked him for that compliment.. hahahaha.. juz polite to say that..
den when the bus reached my stop, he asked me for my number.. so i gave him..
i dun intend him to be more than a fren so y not?
and he gave me his number too..




when i met my darling Mr Shalih.. told him all abt it.. he's jealous.. i know i shldnt do it.. cos i'm attached.. but i know my limits too.. and tt guy will not be more than juz a normal fren.. he worries and so on.. pretty disheartened too i muz say.. but i have to tell him rite? we made a promise not to hide anything from each other.. and even if i dun tell him, it'll be a greater mistake on my part too rite.. den i'll be flirting behind his back.. alrite.. juz tot i'd like to reassure my darling sweet hunny why i will not run away.. cos he feels insecure.. naturally..


i am not interested in him. PERIOD.
and after wat we had tonight, he's off my mind..
only you hunny.. only you........

first attempt.. my classmates.. 

my life.. your life..

we keep digging and burying
secrets memories mistakes
cry as we may at times
fall as we do some times
we shall always climb back up again
believe and look on the bright side of life
all is not lost

scream as i might
on a teary saturday nite
remembering all my past sorrows
cry as i'm a river
wanting all the sweet moments to stay
kiss me on the head
i love you dear
dont fret, tml will be a new day
all your worries will be washed away
mind all spunned up
entwined on a branch hanging loosely
threatening to fall
my body drenched in blood
this is the stench i carry
lies hypocrisy this is wat we are
imperfect in ever way
naive as i have been
childish as i still am and will always be
breathe deeply and say
i love you dear
i love you
say it to yourself
you'll believe it
even if you dun mean it
thats all i want to hear
dont tell me its not true
thats all i want to hear
leave me
go..
we've played our parts
the game continues
we've moved on
next phase
my life
your life




argh............ i'm bored.............. where's my bf?? he's supposed to call me when he gets back home........ i guess he still havent..... i'm sleepy.................. (-.-)

breathe...

tie me up
squeeze me out
strangling this emptiness in me
this stronghold made of air
necessity of life
growing algae suffocating my lungs
tell me its easy
hold my hands and guide me out
this trap of air that i'm breathing.

dont hide when i call you
dont scream when i'm shut
praying for forgiveness, i am
shunned by evil this purity
trust me and lead me
let me out from this prison
created from the air that you breathe
thrust me into your arms
save me from this hell
dont let me whisper
dont let me breathe.


i'm just bored............................

lately....

we've been having late nite conversations..
so late that i wake up late to skol..
not to mention the eye bags around my eyes..
while he is happily droning in his dreamland..
emotional conversations..
comical ones..
and sometimes irritatingly.. boring ones..
it cant be helped when my household is bustling with activity at 12am in the morning..
and when his dad needs to use the phone to call a friend..
watever types our conversations have been lately..
they've been enlightening..
we learn more of each other..
the jealous side..
the evil side..
the romantic side..
like how i can sound like i miss all my ex-bfs on the phone even thou i was juz telling him abt the past memories..
and naturally he's jealous..
which bf wld not be..
and he wld counter attack me with his tots and views of them..
making me feel all guilty and down..
like why the hell did i even go and tell him in the first place..
but we clear the aires and we love each other more after that..
haven seen him since i dunno when.. sunday?
but i miss him already.. (everyone shld go aww..... hahaha..)
but we all learn and grow..
and continue growing... and growing....


its just been bugging me..
this notion in my head that threatens to blow my blog out..
the unhealthy idea that i juz dun understand..
we've moved on..
we're attached.. we love each other..
we dont care abt anyone who threatens our relationship..
i trust he will nv run away..
and i know he trust me too..
tts no reason y i wld go for someone better anyway..
when there obviously isnt anyone else..

but

buT

bUt

bUT

BUT

y does his past still linger on to him?
Miss History has obviously moved on..
but why all the sulky faces?
y does she still frown upon him?
giving him a hatred look?
smiling at him once in a while..
his history was not pleasant..
it has hurt him.. badly.. and even his friends..
is there still tt longing? tt hatred?
tt unspoken thoughts........,
waiting and bursting to be let out?
wat is Miss History trying to tell behind her secret smile?
or is there nothing at all?
juz an empty soul?

A Sudden Emotional Night

I couldn't sleep that night after the conversation on the phone.. The weather was too cold and I was too emotional.. It's as if I've lost my soul and I'm crying for it to come back.. I have never ever felt like this before in my entire life.. I felt so sad but yet, I felt so good that I get to let my feelings and thoughts out.. Better still, I let it out to the person I love very much.. It felt good also because I get to show her the softer side of me, the underside of my big strong heart, and I did it deliberately.. The thought of doing so much stuff for the person that I'm in contact with comes to mind whenever I feel this way.. Whether I'll get to accomplish it or not, it's all up to me.. And yes, I have never made her cry this way.. Somehow or rather, she feels it and everytime that happens, everything becomes so beautiful.. Crystal tears from the heart would come rolling down on the cheeks and both would wish the other could stop crying..

With the softest voice ever, I pleaded, "Don't cry after you put down the phone, okay?"

"I cannot promise you that, baby.."

"Well.. Okay then.. I love you very much, darling.."

"I love you too.. Good night.."

"Good night.."

The Dream Which Was Weird

I was crossing a road, a Platypus waddled up to me, and stood beside me.. I glared at it.. It ignored me.. In fact, it was just standing there, looking at the green light patiently in a dignified manner.. I continued glaring at it.. I mean, it was rude of the platypus to stand there, like it was trying to blend in, trying to be...... human! Then I was thinking that this platypus wasn't local.. Maybe it's a refugee, an illegal immigrant or something like that! Then I was being evil by thinking of catching it, then reporting it to the police because it's a refugee platypus! The next thing I knew, I was thinking of how do I start catching it.. If I just jump clean on top of it to try to pin it down, it must get offended and peck me with its beak.. The beak looks flat and vicious.. I better do small talk.. Weird, I want to talk what?! Oh dear, the light are amber!! Better put on a placid smile first..

"Hello, Mr Platypus," I said in my best jaunty voice.. Sounds a little like an elephant farting..

"Yo, mate!" the ugly Platypus replied, nonetheless.. Definitely Australian, I told myself.. Quick, think of something Australian to say!

"Say, is that Billabong you are wearing then, mate?"

"What the fuck?"

"Ah? I mean, did you watch Miss Universe, Australia won, right? Pretty sia.."

"Yeah, the Oz won.. Mind you, Kangaroos kept giving me the cocky look when they saw me.. Cocky Kangaroo! Hahahaha.." He began to laugh deeply at his own joke..

"Eh? So you're not Australian lah?" I asked..

"Insulted mate! I'm from the great Britian! I am from the land of the wrinkly Queen! The motherland of Indians.. Hahahaha.. And I am proud to be a British platypus! Mind you, we have Harry Potter, and the Spice Girls and Beckham! What more does a nation want?"

"Well, we have nasi lemak and the esplanade lah.."

"I don't understand what you are talking about, mate.. Are you mocking me? I may be a platypus, a British one mind you, but I am not stupid! Say, do you want to cross the road with me?"

"Ah? No.. Tak payah.." The platypus looked scandalised.

"Why?? And don't speak in that native tongue of yours!" he screamed in a high pitched voice, not unlike a platypus would..

"Err.." How can I tell him gently that I don't wanna cross the road with a filthy platypus like him, and I also want to catch him to report to the police?

"Err, err, err, you fool, speak up!", he said, breaking my thread of thought..

"Don't imitate me, chee byee!"

"Well you did speak that way, mate! Say, while you take such a long time to decide what to make up your speech off, could you help me take a photo? Of me standing right here leaning on this lovely fire extinguisher here? There there, lovely.." He handed me a wet camera.. I was like, what the fuck? Why is his camera wet? Stupid platypus.. It's time to act.

"Would you like to play catching with me, Mr Platypus? I'll run after you with a giant net and see if I can catch you.. How's that? Can or not?"

"Sure thing mate! Sounds fun!" I pulled out a giant butterfly net out of no where and caught the stupid platypus in a jiffy..

"Haha.. You stupid platypus!" I announced in triumph.. "Thast's for being a refuge! I shall report you to the police!"

"You kid me not, human," the refugee platypus actually shrieked in laughter..

"What's so funny?!"

"Well first of all, I am not a refugee.. I am an expatriate.."

"Haha.. Goody goody!"

"And secondly, I've been in Singapore for years! You expect me to believe that lie about reporting me to the police? You thought I'm a kid? 'Ah boy ah, if you don't stop crying, the police will come then you know yadda yadda' nonsense is too commonly used as a threat! I am not scared!" said the expatriate platypus in a horrible smirking manner..

"Eh? So you're not a refugee lah?" I asked tentatively..

"That's right! Now get me out of this net please.."

"No! I still can report you to the police and they'll lock you in jail for talking! Animals can't talk, stupid! Wait till the Channel News Asia hear about this, they will interview and embarass you in the news! Warghaha.. I'm evil!" The platypus stared at me, and promptly chewed his way through the net to freedom.. I looked on in horror, then it hit me.. "Hey! I just realised you were pretending when you said you don't understand what is nasi lemak and the esplanade lah! Chee byee! Bluff me!"

"Well," the expat platypus said, "I don't like that stuff.. Anyway, you have offended my rights as a platypus, as horrid as my name sounds with platy and pus inside, but that's not the point.. The point is, I am gonna peck you to death if you cannot answer this question of mine..
Besides the platypus, what is the other mammal that lays eggs?

That's when I woke up.. Stupid Platypus.. Give me a question that I don't know the answer..

Chee..

This is nice......
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Khad..
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..that side
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This side..
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Shalih..
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