Okaylah.. Not bad..
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i hate this.........

so he's stopping me from scolding people..
and he's not allowing me to explain myself first..
and it seems obvious he's bent on changing my attitude..

y does every boyfriend i have seem to like doing this?
y cant i be mean and ugly and hypocritical and cynic and watever of everything??
y cant i have the bad side of everyone?
i hate this..
a while longer and i start to let go..
its not worth it..

multiples of me..

its difficult to tink straight when u've got voices and many many thoughts running thru ur head all at once..
was trying to explain to my teachers abt how i vision the upcoming competitions will be goin..
a whole surge of babbles and gibberish juz shoot itself out with no organisation of thots..
and of course they dun understand wat was running in my head..
how fast my thoughts go and how fast i speak are juz out of pace with each other..
so i had to repeat myself many times and slower wid each repetition..
tiring yes.. mentally draining yes..
not to mention the poetry competition coming up.. emotional trauma in me..

been having difficulty controlling my thots for the past few weeks.. but lately i got a bit better..
at least i understand wat's goin on in my head and why..
its juz so hard to explain..
u may even tink i'm goin nuts..
i tink i am.. cos i'm hearing my thots echoing louder in my head everytime i self-reflect or tink..
and with each tot, i understand.. i'm able to control myself better..
to be more patient, to be......... a better person..
i'm trying my best.. trying hard..
hopefully i can decipher and unravel this mystery that is happening to me soon..
before i breakdown into who-knows-wat..
looking on the bright side..
its helping me cope wid stress..
opening up my mind..
not to mention the workload tts awaiting me for tuesday..
tank goodness monday's a holiday.. ;)



goin to visit my granny tml..
my father's mom..
the one who approved of his marriage to my step-mum..
how cld she... sigh.............. but the past is done and cannot be changed..
so now i juz wanna forget all abt the grudges and move on..
to forgive and forget..
and she's getting old too.. wats the point being angry wid an old lady?
i love her anyway.. she's the only granny i have left.. sigh.....
looking forward to seeing her, smelling the musty odour of old people..
gotta be understanding.. its not terrible.. its quite welcoming and warm..
unique.. so yea.. tts my saturday morning..

nth else to say.. just that i love you baby... lllooooovvvvveeee yyyooouuuuu....... ;)))

Make The Other One Right As Well

I'm getting that feeling again.. Refrained from using my gifts and curses, I feel like I'm not myself anymore.. Well it came to light when I noticed that there are actually two lives.. Not only do I have to make my life right, but I have to make the other one right as well.. Then when you think about that, you'll begin to believe that every lives are connected in some way or another.. You just don't notice it.. So my point is I don't have to sacrifice anything.. Instead, I just have to set alternatives, make improvement and compromise a little.. So there, meeting up with Khad now.. Till then..

Ciao..

i cant take this..

so he's stopping me from scolding people..
and he's not allowing me to explain myself first..
and it seems obvious he's bent on changing my attitude..

y does every boyfriend i have seem to like doing this?
y cant i be mean and ugly and hypocritical and cynic and watever of everything??
y cant i have the bad side of everyone?
i hate this..
a while longer and i start to let go..
its not worth it..

The Sentence

Your smile creeped inside of mind when I close my eyes, giving me all the light I need, but no one told me that it will feel good and it will be beautiful....

• Khad, baby? I love you very much..

You Know What? I Had It Again

You know what, everytime I'm ill, everytime, I'll always have this dream, always.. A nightmare.. I'll always be this tiny boy surrounded by two giant adults scolding and shouting at each other and the terrible noise and sound that they're making are causing great pain not only to my ears but to my heart and mind as well.. Whenever I spoke up, they'd just scolded and shouted at me back.. The pain became from bad to worst and it rendered my helpless cries.. Genarally speaking, it just felt terribly wrong.. It felt scary.. It felt uncomfortable.. It felt confusing.. It felt like the pressure's coming down onto you...... Well that was then, when I was young,

but you know what, after a long while, I just had the dreaded dream again......

Funny how I dreamt that when I'm not even sick..

I can't really intepret the dream.. I thought I would never dream it again.. I thought it was over because my parents was quarrelling about me one day.. All the noise that I heard and so I thought again that my dream was dejavu-ed, but how can it be dajavu-ed when I just had the dream again and this time, when I'm not ill.. Thinking about how I felt in the dream was chilly..

Hmmm.. I'll just have watch my life carefully these days.. Till then..

With love..

no comments................. 

i'm conquering the blog now!!!!! warghahahaha... ooppss.. outdated photos.. all this pics taken on his birthday...  

weeee........................ 

by!!!! i've got hello!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay yay yay yay yay!!!! 

my good buddies... camera shy??  

i wanna feel this.. serenity.. peaceful.. so smooth... 

wow.. another one.. see, i'm using the trademark colours.. 

finally...... creativity.. please stay with me...... 

The Arunerminator

Congrats for scoring that goal, Arun.. I proud of you.. The whole team infact.. I'm proud of the whole team.. I know you're a silent reader and all but could you at least tag something on the Tag Board? It does makes a difference you know.. It'll set a motivation for the both of us to continue creating posts knowing that there are readers demanding for more.. Yup.. This goes to Gerard and Aquilah as well.. Yup.. How about it, friends? Till then..

Stand behind the yellow line..

The Holy Sweet Perfume

I was sitting beside a malay uncle on the way to expo just now.. Smelling his holy sweet perfume reminded me of my dad.. The remeniscence gave me a special feeling.. A feeling of warmth inside.. It's like when you just reached home knowing that you'd be safe and all.. Yeah.. Dad.. Fatherly, if there is such a word.. Taking care of me since I was around.. Helping me with my manhood and all those moral values being taught.. You know, I cant remember him ever laying a finger on me.. Though, locking me in the dark store room was the most he could do.. I cried and at the same time learnt what I shouldnt do in the future, so that I wouldn't receive this harsh treatment anymore in my life and just to let you know, my happiest thought is when my dad keeps throwing me in the air when I was young.. Yeah.. You know what I want.. I want you by my side forever.. I don't want to lose you.. Infact, I dont want to lose the both of you (mom).. I'm just afraid if that would happen.. Well, even if it does happen, you know I'm one of those human beings that has a serious problem of moving on, so before anything happens, I just wanna say I love you guys very much and I'm swearing right now before the both of you, I'll make you proud..

I'll make you proud..

Hello

So far so good.. It's 23rd of April and I'm glad that my picture's not in the obituaries.. My aim is to have an interesting account and that's exactly what I wanna do.. I think I better wrap this one up pretty quickly because I'm having a football match later at 4pm.. Talking to Gerard as I'm typing now.. He's a funny man.. Hmmm.. My new found friend.. Freestyle soccer partner and all.. Aiya.. No time already.. Bye..

Slept like a loggg..

bored...........

so here i am.. rotting in front of the skol comp..
having a GP mock exam today from 3-6......................
i'm supposed to study.. well.. i shld be..
but wats there to study for GP?
rite... i'm supposed to be doing research for my chem project too.
which is abt the male and female hormones and how the female hormones can be synthesized to the male hormones..
i feel so slack......... not to mention lazy.............
and even worse is the fact that i've been appointed as the group leader again................
not that i want to brag.. but all this leader ting is tiring..
i've still got lots of planning to do with MCS and all the competitions coming up..
sigh...
been feeling terrible lately..
quarreling wid my bf and all.. but i hope we get over all of this..
i'm feeling petty these past few days..
so tml's the beginning of his soccer league..
hopefully he'll do me proud on the field..
yup yup.. and careful abt that arm..
dont forget the promise to me yea..
so.................

yeah.. i haven start revision on my A's..
hopefully i can scrape thru my mid's
yeah................... am so bored here............
the skol comp sucks ah!!
so slloowwww................... i've no doubt tt it still runs on 56.6 moden or anything older..
grrrr....
so there goes......................








looking forward to the weekends when i can finally spend time wid him again..
not to mention neglecting my studies for 2 days..
but wth... can barely tink of all this tings when the weekend is coming..
juz........ need............ to.......... slack.........





oh oh!!!!
tot i'd describe an incident i saw yst..
hmmm.. was at toa payoh.. outside the KFC there.. near guardian pharmacy..
saw this young malay girl wearing a tudung and goth make up..
for those who dunno.. wearing a tudung means u're a true muslim..
a tudung is like those headscarves most muslim women adorn..
anyways she was talking to the security guard wid a salesgirl who happens to be a malay too..
rite.. and they were checking her bag..
i dunno wat happened next cos i dun want to know and walked on..
i dunno if she was shoplifting or wat..
and i dun wan to assume anything..
but there goes.. yup.. an incident i saw yst..


haf i ever mentioned?
how proud i am to be only half malay?

Those Fake Smiles

It's been like this all along. Day in, day out. Slumbering in this empty house and do no shit as usual. 30th of May which is still very far away from now and, argh, I should do some shit during this period of time. But in the mean time, this thing that I'm feeling nowadays is very strange. It's a mix of being cold and scared all at the same time. It's like when you’re sitting on the bathroom floor, with the head shower sprinkling all over you for an hour or two and you do nothing but wondering when exactly will the water supply be depleted. I'm feeling like I'm refrained from using my gifts and curses. People look at you and you actually think that you're being friendly by smiling at them, but those smiles are just fakes and you have totally no idea about it. It really taste like poison burning through the heart and the only antidote is time and money. I mean, these are compost for most lives. Spending does make you feel better. But I truly think that it doesn't. It'll just make you feel incomplete. You just want more and more like a drug and I also think that I don't need that liquid to cure me because I know that it's gonna be alright soon. All I need is to take that feeling, put it together with love and affection, just let it be and continue the story. Yeah. On a lighter note, I have to attend a prize-giving ceremony next Thursday. Apparently I came in third in a comic drawing competition that I took part in. Well actually, By was the one who encouraged me to take part in it. Everyone was proud of me and that includes myself as well. All I can say is that I'm looking forward to any comic drawing competition in the future. Yeah. Short ending. Till then.

Ciao.

strike me hard
i've been fighting, struggling
suffocated by this stronghold
this world i'm in
a life i'm leading
cld this all be real?
my choices, my wishes, my hopes
bloodties..
this place i live in
y r they so different from me
y do they not listen and understand?
come to me
love me
be it honest and true or only lies and pretence
nothing is ever perfect
in this world i've created for myself
where u and i exist
where everything i know and believe is real
especially u and me..

its a disgrace..

... to be sitting in the same cinema as them..
to be breathing the same air as them..
to be watching the same show and laughing at the same jokes as them..
pretty harsh words..
but i dun care.. cos they dun care abt others either..
so y shld i care abt them??

walked into the cinema late.. giggling so loudly..
grrr... a huge bunch of MALAYS-mind you they are MALAYS!!!
minahs and mats who pretend they are not by dressing up in the same way..
trying to fit into the society now..
whoa... the girls-denim skirts, sling bags and thick makeup in the spotlight of the minah-mat trend now?
they haf shod off that tappered pants trademark.. muz be the outdated version..
oh.. and wats up wid the all black outfit?? trying to be a goth also??
fashion disaster..
the guys arent so bad..
but their character?? even babies know when to stop crying compared to these pp who dunno when to shut up..
making a fool of themselves in the cinema.. thinking they're the "coolest" assholes ard..
someone scolded shut up from across the theatre..
and a MAT replied.. "KNN" watever that means go find out yourself..
like wat the shit.. show start already still laughing and giggling..
grrrr....
its such a disgrace..

met one of the girls in the ladies..
queuing up to go to the cubicles..
a guy screamed outside.. telling her to hurry up..
and thus.. a typical minah-will definitely--- scream back----
"I NEED TO PEE AH.. (plus plus all the vulgarities)" whooo... like the whole world so----
needed to know tt..
wat--e---ver----
i dun care abt her looks..
all i can say is.. she's a minah alright.. wid tt kind of attitude..
manners....... where r ur manners young lady.....
she barely looked 16?!!
malays.............. i'm so embarassed to be one..
grrrr....

so there... a scene in the movie theatre while watching "be cool"
on his birthday date..
and btw..
the restaurant is called-BREEKS baby..
how can u forget???!!!!!

Be Cool 

Birthday Date

It was my birthday yesterday and boy, did I have fun.. It started off by having my birthday cake for breakfast at home with my mum.. Then she made me some special sandwiches and gave me $50 as a birthday present.. Then at noon, I went to meet my darling girlfriend and when I saw her, my goodness she was pretty cute with her outfit.. Kinda like a girl next-door type of outfit.. I thought our clothing match and knowing that, I was pretty delighted.. We had our camera (thanks to Joyce) and with that, we were all set to go to "I don't know where at first".. Firstly, we bought Be Cool movie tickets at Cineleisure and then to my 2nd sister's workplace.. Yup.. Just visiting.. Birthday hug and all.. So then we proceeded to play pool at Lucky Plaza.. Played 3 games and I won all of it.. Dang.. Should had let Khad win at least a game.. That would had made her happy.. Then after, we went to Scotts (if that is how you spell it).. Nothing there.. Just shops and (no offense but) female toilets.. Uh huh.. Far East was our last destination before we had to return to Cineleisure for our movie.. I was eyeing on a watch at one of the shop0s in Far East few days ago and finally I bought it.. Heh.. I thought it as a little birthday present to myself.. Our movie was gonna start! Our movie was gonna start! Bought nachos and a drink and off to our seats.. The show was good.. No great, no nothing.. Just good.. Except for the group of impertinent mats and minahs in the theatre.. I think Khad will explain you on that.. Yup.. Be Cool.. The continuing adventures of Chili Palmer, strong-arm debt collector turned Hollywood movie producer.. By the time the story begins, Chili has abandoned the fickle movie industry.. And so his adventures, this time around, concern the music industry where he becomes the promoter of a struggling singer who is being pursued by the Russian mafia.. Worth the money.. Next stop, dang.. I forgot the restaurant name.. It's at Takashimaya.. That's where we went to have dinner.. Both of us were like starving.. We took some pictures while waiting for our food and wondered how the crew could harmonize, "Bye.. Thank you.. See you again," together perfectly every time customers leave the place.. Hah.. Although it was expensive, the food was great and I'd like to go there again sometime with my darling girlfriend.. We then headed to Heeren and thought about what to do next.. We were thinking of making out at our usual place.. Yup.. That would perfectly end the day/night.. I was pretty happy and I enjoyed every bit of time with you, Baby.. You couldn't have done more.. Love you lots..

life is good.........

tests... homeworks... my love life..
life is good..
feeling satisfied with my life..
coping with stress
from skolwork and relationships..
seems to good to be true..
i'll see how the next few weeks will go..
;P

gotta study harder......
i'm aiming for straight b's for my mid-yr papers..
hopefully....
hopefully............

i'm in love with my life..
in love with my baby..
in love with my cats..
my family and my friends..
;)

grrr....... pms.....

so i juz experienced the worst season of pms in my whole life..
it being mixed with skol stress..
grrrr.....
i'm so sori for being so temperamental to everyone lately..

to my classmates whom i've been throwing my tempers all about:
i'm so sori... but seriously.. u guys are juz plain annoying.. hopefully next week of skol wld be a better one yups..

to my darling nicole who's turning 18!!!:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISSY!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!! its juz so unfair tt my birthday is at the end of the skol term!!! hehehee... not to mention i have A'LEVEL EXAM PAPER ON THAT DAY!!!!! its ok.. i'll celebrate it wid my chemistry paper... hehehehe... i know u're goin to chiong go clubbing now tt u're 18.. so dont forgot abt your darling sister here who have to wait for november.. hehehehe... HAF FUN!!! love you!!!

to my darling boyfriend who have been in the worst part of my pms:
i'm so so so sori dear... i hope my moods dont continue...
i cant help it... i'm juz so sori.......... and i do want to spend time with you...
so being pissed at you last nite wasnt caused by pms.. and thanks for not telling me earlier tt u haf to go home early yea.. grrr... if i had known.. i shldnt haf even bothered..

so now... the most important part of this post is dedicated to my beloved girlfriend,, joyce huang....
ok girl.. i juz read ur post and i guess i do feel sori for ur life being like that..
and there's been smth tt i reali wanting to ask u but i juz dunno how to put it..
i know u, me, nic and jing haf been best friends for like............. 5 yrs?? ok maybe 4..
but somehow i juz dun understand y u feel awkward wearing a bikini wid us..
ok maybe its cos u feel uncomfortable abt ur boobies..
tt i understand.. and maybe its also cos some of us seems to like teasing u too much abt juz... u..
ok ok.. i tink i understand y u feel awkward.. but i juz wanna let u know tt we wldnt have been best friends at all if we dint love you for who u are..
u may tink u're fat, short, dark or tanned or watever la..
and i can still rmb how it used to piss all of us when u always seem to ask whether u look fat..
and we always answer NO..
and have you ever tot why we answered tt? honestly??
becos in our eyes.. u are nv tt fat, ugly girl u always seem to tink u are..
we dint come together as best friends becos we're good looking, tall, have many bfs or watever..
i mean i understand y u feel inferior ard us.. i guess u juz cant help it..
u cant help being different from us..
but its alrite woman.. we still love you.. and we always will..
and u have that beauty in you tt none of us have..
u are able to keep ur cool all the time.. unlike me or nicole..
and u are able to fit in wid any crowd..
and u're juz so cheerful and bubbly all the time..
and u're always there for us when we're in deep shit..
u have a strong sense of empathy too..
these are juz some of the many many qualities u have..
we're all different.. and u being different from us juz makes u all the more beautiful..
but maybe u feeling inferior doesnt come from us only..
it may be coming from the other people around u..
and like i always tell u young lady..
when pp are trying to bring you down girl, rmb.. no one can do that except yourself..
and tt is when u ALLOW them too..
dont listen to wat they say.. u know u're juz goin to suffer if u do.. ;P

juz an advise from me..
instead of comparing yourself to others..
y dont u spend some time reflecting on your actions and your qualities..
build up tt confidence in you..
and you'll begin to love yourself more..
;) and one more ting..
being fat doesnt make you ugly...
and you are cute!!! that bracey smile of yours is nicer den the smile u use to have back in secondary skol.. reali!!!

tts all for you woman... love you!!!!