i'm going crazy.

i sound depressed all the time.. well, online at least.. dere's juz so much running thru my head lately that i juz cant be myself.. i dun really feel like bogging abt the problems i've been having lately but its really eating into me that i cant take it anymore. the latest quarrel i had wid my bro really knocked me off. i juz cannot believe he'd defend the old man whom he nv knew loved him or not and hit me-his own sister. everyday my mind will juz automatically rewind itself to that very same scene where i'd be complaining to my mum y that old man cannot wait to cut my allowance even thou i'm still schooling, and that he was making my youngest sis look like a fool in public abt her skin problem and long hair. i was bad-mouthing him of cos. the man who says he loves us but treats us like we nv existed. the man who nv calls or visits to ask how we are. and my bro juz cannot miss the opportunity to scold me. and screams and call me names. i was having my dinner and wid my cup and a bottle of water in front of me. and his hand flew to my cup and broke it. right beside my left foot. i was crying, naturally cos i'm a girl. and i was so very pissed that i threw my bowl of food on the floor. and thats when his hand juz had to hit my right ear. it still stings a bit till now. i juz dun get it. why does he have to use violence? why doesnt he want to understand why i hate my father so much? i ran from home for a while. the need to cry was so overwhelming. it took me so long to understand why he defended my father. till now i still dun understand. father over sister. he chose the former. it really hurts. but i did understand smth thou. he wants to be like my old man. he wants to be that violent, selfish mean old man. the man who dun even loves him. i haven found out why thou. but i vow that no man will be allowed to hit me. that will be the last. i will nv be in that weak position ever again. sigh.. everyday i wld change the scene.. wat wld have happened if the glass had injured my foot? and my mum? she's useless. she sides my bro all the time. cos he's the only man in the hse. even when he scolds her she nv scolds him. when he's scolding me, she tells me to shut up. its juz so unfair. i hate adults who demand respect. because obviously they dun deserve it. respect is the only factor that keeps the young from destroying the old. thats why religion makes it compulsory for the young to respect the old. cos it gives the old the importance and status which places them above youths. without it, they're nth. behind closed doors, my mum wld tell me that i'm the only one whom she can depend her future on. juz cos i'm the more successful child than the rest? isnt she such a hypocrite. why dont she depend on my bro? he's working, she loves him to bits, she lets him do anything. and i cant. juz like how she cannot defend us from my father. i dun ever want to be like her. juz wait. until i'm out of this house, i can finally break free. and prove to him that the only person with attitude problem is him. the only person who will regret leaving his kids is that old man. i'm tired of pp telling me that he is my father and i have to respect him and all that stupid shit. dun tell me the obvious. tell me how i can get rid of him. sigh.............. i juz need to let go so much.. life is so tiring.. is this a blessing in disguise or smth that i deserve for my crimes? i need counselling.before i go raving mad..

sigh... i'll have to take all this in with patience.
lots of patience...